Is your marriage in shamble? Are you thinking of divorce? Are challenges in marriage pushing you the wall? Is second wife the next option? Do you feel your husband is not the right man? If you are a victim of any of these questions, this article is for you.
Marriage from Biblical perspective is a union of celebration and happiness, a place of humor and not humiliation. Making your marriage a pyramid of success will unravel the mysteries behind every successful marriage. The only way this article will be useful to you is to apply all the principles that will be discuss as we progress. Are you single? This article will make you develop a positive mindset in taking up marriage resposiblities.Are you into courtship? This write up will be a pathway to having a successful marriage. My advice is that you keep to the instructions.
What is Marriage?
Marriage is an INSTITUTION establish by GOD that brings a man and woman to have a LEGAL UNION before some witnesses and before the presence of God. In Gen 2:24, it says "Therefore shall a man live his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and both shall be one" We can see that marriage in not a child's affairs. To have a comprehensive understanding of what marriage is all about, some basic terms will be explain in details.
Institution as defined by Oxford dictionary is a place of learning. A place designed to impact positive values to individuals. For instance we have the Formal and Informal Institutions. Institution from its definition has no "time limit or time frame". It's an unending process. It starts from birth and ends at death. It does not offer its curricular activities or programmes on a platter of Gold. I believe you paid a price to achieve what you are today. I remembered as child, my parents disciplined me to go to school, then I saw them as being "wicked and uncaring" but thank God for such "wicked and uncaring" attitude. Because this molded me to be a better person. No institution was design to make someone a reproach to his society, but to develop someone into a responsible and reliable citizen. Institution in its natural sense is a place of development of the mind.
Marriage as an institution is a place of learning, a place of exercise of the intellectual and God-given abilities, a place of training of the mind, body, soul and spirit. In the institutional sector, the Teacher impacts knowledge, in marriage life challenges or affairs bring out the best. No experience you acquire in marriage that is a waste, it only becomes a waste when you do not learn from it. That your wife called you an irresponsible man means you should be responsible. Marriage as an institution only requires knowledge, understanding, wisdom, fear of God and intelligence to solve problems. Marriage as an institution requires two experts-husband and wife with out external factor to solve problems, a third party might be harmful.
From the definition of marriage, we said it is a legal union before the presence of God and…….The Irony of this is that most couples have abandon God in their marriage. They believe they can do with out him. The truth is that you can never do anything with out God. He is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotent God. There is nothing hidden before his sight. God is the ultimate source of our success. Marriage with out God is like a ship with out a rudder or an aircraft with out a compass and pilot. The marriage vows you took before the presence of the church was sealed by God. God is the originator of marriage right from the creation of the world. He did this when he joined Adam and Eve together. Also the first ever miracle that Jesus Christ performed where he turned water into wine was in wedding feast in Galilee. This is a clear indication that God has hand in every marriage.
Since God is the one that established marriage, how do we get him involved in having a blissful married life? Get God involved by recognizing and acknowledging him as your source, get in him involved by your giving-sow seed of faith, then ask for miracle in your marriage. In crisis seek his face through prayer and praises not complain. Complaining can only worsen a situation. We knew what happened when Paul and Silas praised God. Great things happen when we take advantage of praise. You can never do it alone. God has a purpose of giving Adam a HELPMEET. Gods' blessings do notaddsorrow but giveth riches. A house that is not built by God will definitely collapse. Except the Lord builds a city, in vain the builders build.
This means a lawful (legitimate and acceptable) union between husband and wife. Marriage is not living apart but a conjugal relationship. A lot is accomplished when two people pursue a course. The Bible said "if two of you shall agree on a particular thing, it shall be done to you". The united will stand the divided will fall. The devil can easily destroy a home when he finds out there is no unity. As a husband please don't shy away from your responsibilities likewise a woman. With God ALL things are possible, recognize your wife's contributions and see her as unto the weaker vessel not the weaker vessel-1 Peter 3:7. Shifting you responsibilities on her might make her to act negatively. Take advantage of your oneness. The Biblical synergy is 1 + 1= 1, this is the only mathematical law that no mathematician can proof using any mathematical theories. Though some might not see it as synergy but to me it is a synergy that negates the laws of other synergies. In the Biblical context, when two different people come together there is an added value. Let nothing separate you from your wife or husband. The Bible says "what God has joined together let no man put asunder"
Why most Marriages Fail?
In every ten marriages conducted, eight of the marriages ends in divorce.Our registry courts are receiving thousands of application filing for divorce. Several homes have been torn apart because of failed marriages. Children have been left to roam about the street seeking for shelter, food, clothing. Government in their own capacity could not do anything. Churches through the Gospel are proffering solution which solely depends on the couples to accept. The rates of single parents are at increase. One of the CNN reports said a couple married and seeks for divorce after 24 hours of their marriage. That's very incredible. Gay marriages are at increase-marriage of the same sex. Husband and wife could no longer hold there peace and things have fallen apart. What is the cause(s) of this collapse in most marriages? The facts below throw more light on why majority of the marriages fail.
The Bible rightly put it "A house that is built on a sandy soil will collapse"
Who is the foundation of your marriage? Where is your marriage built upon? Who do you look unto in your marriage? The foundation of your marriage matters a lot. Ask me what has been sustaining my marriage, I will tell you is God. God is the foundation of my marriage. I look unto him whether in need or with out need. I commit my marriage in his hands everyday. I trust everything I have on him. God does not fail those that trusted him. One thing I have learnt and realized in this life is that, MAN can easily fail you. Most marriages depend on MAN to solve there problems. Man in its natural sense is a problem to himself. No wonder the Bible said "the heart of men are desperately wicked and evil" Man is a corruptible seed. MAN from the creation has failed himself and failed God. Thank God that he is faithful even when we are unfaithful. Let the foundation of your marriage be rooted in God. Trust him for everything. The only formula that has ever worked in marriage is trusting in God formula. God purpose of marriage is for a peaceful co existence and procreation. Empty your marriage to him and he will fill it.
Lack of Wisdom and Understanding.
Understanding in this parlance means ability to know one another lifestyles, his "dos and dons". Understanding is a critical issue in marriage. Husband and wife should learn to study and understand one another. The period of your courtship should be a period of studying each other personality not a period of flippancy. I took advantage of my courtship and with God on my side, my marriage is a blessing. It does not take you to be educated to understand one another. If you are educated and your husband is an illiterate, don't intimidate him or take advantage of his illiteracy, but talk and reason with him in the language he will understand and vice versa.
Marriage needs wisdom and understanding, and it's the responsibilities of both. If you have misunderstanding with your wife, simply apply wisdom and understanding to resolve it. The Bible says "wisdom is the principal thing, get wisdom in all thy getting, get understanding" Couples that have understanding can easily triumph over any challenges or problems. Stop dreaming of your marriage being like mine or Mr B's, work on your marriage. You can bring the best out of your marriage. All things are possible to him that believe
Lack of Trust.
Marriage can easily end in divorce if both couples lack trust. Though man is not God that you can absolutely trust, but since your union is of God there should be a trust between the two of you. Don't always see your wife or husband as a suspect. Look! Be free with each other, be open to each other. Secrecy in marriage can disrupt and destroy a marriage. One good thing about my wife and I is that we don't have a secret. Although some couples might not find it funny especially when it comes to finance. My wife knows my financial position and this has really help our marriage. The Bible says "and both of you shall be one". Being one is not in the area of procreation but in all aspect of life. When both of you begin to be secretive, it leads to lack of trust which then leads to suspicion and finally matrimonial conflict.
Lack of Love.
The perspective you see or define love will go along way affecting your marriage. Love as I know is sacrifice (John 3:16), its also giving the best you have irrespective of how valuable it is to you. Love is on the giving side than on the receiving side. Love does not dwell on the past but dwells on the present and think about the future. It does not count on wrong doing but covers multitude of sins. Love is not really on physical things but on the internal or inside. For details about love, you can read 1 Corinthians 13.
The question is do you really love your husband or wife? Do you marry him because of his financial status? What attracts you to him or her-the body build, his dressing pattern, the way he talks, his eye, his nose? What happen if those qualities are no longer present in him? Love reveals your inner worth. Why most marriages fail is, most couples pursue shadows to realities. Never you love a man because of his financial or material worth, but love him because of what he is and what he's going to be and the fear of God in him. Wealth is good in marriage but should not be the primary thing to consider. But it's quite unfortunate that our young ladies pursue wealth in place of happiness.
Wealth can not give you happiness; it's only a tool to happiness but not a source of happiness. If your husband is poor, but focus, God fearing and resourceful and you really love him, with out hesitation you can go ahead and marry him believing that your source is not from man but from God. My wife met me at my zero point but today we are happily married. God is love. David said ‘since he was young and now he is old, he has never seen the righteous forsaken or his seed beg bread". Wife should genuinely love her husband likewise the husband and believe God for sustenance. That does not mean you should be lazy. Proverb said "little slumber, little folding of hands, poverty creeps in" A man needs to be up and doing. A man should be able to provide for his family. Your wife is a help-meet don't live your responsibilities on her. Most men have become so impotent in taking up their responsibilities and thereby making the wife a bread winner of the house. No woman feels happy being the bread winner of the family; it will only take the grace of God for any woman to respect her husband when the family responsibilities are on her. Husbands should learn to be HUSBANDS!!.
Third Party Interference.
This is a silent "killer" in most marriages. The extent you allow third party in your matrimonial home will determine the extent your marriage will go. Learn to settle any dispute you have within yourselves. Challenges come to strengthen your marriage not to invite a third party. Ninety Nine percent of third parties are home destroyer. If you want to ease off your self incase of any tension or dispute, your pastor should be in a better position to handle it or a marriage counsellor. Don't expose your marriage to third party. How sure are you that the person you are inviting does not have problems in his home? Marriage is an institution of learning. It is an unending learning process. Who told you that you will not have challenges in your marriage? Remember marriage is the union of two different personalities from different backgrounds. This is the reason why you should tolerate each other. One basic fact you should know is that there are those outside that don't want your marriage to succeed. These are the people the bible called "wolves in sheep clothing". Outwardly these people smile and rejoice with you, inwardly they are deadly vampires. We know that problem shared is half solved, but be wise to know who you share problems with. If you have challenges in your marriage, seek the counsel of God. Remember the words of Joshua to the Israelites "this book of law shall not depart from thy mouth, meditate on it day and night and thy WAYS will be prosperous and successful" Most couples don't have Bible in their home. What is your manual of life? If you have the word of God with you, third party will not be an option in face of challenges.
Avoid Past Life Experience.
The Bible says "if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature, old things have passed away and all things have become new"-2Corinthians 5:17. Look, the life you lived before you got married should not count in your matrimonial home. Most couples are found of comparing their wife or husband to their former "lover". There are things that suppose not to be mention in your home. If you think that your former "lover" is better of than your wife, I think you have made a mistake by marrying her and vice versa. Your coming together as a husband and wife means a new life has began.Invariably "old things" has passed away. Don't even keep it in your archives, but permanently delete it. How do you feel if your wife should tell you that her former "lover" is more romantic and caring than you? I believe you really feel bad. When you bring in past life experiences into your home, be sure your marriage is heading to the rock.
Some other factors that can lead to problems in most marriages are as follows:
- · Unforgiving spirit by both couples.
- · Being material conscious.
- · Ungrateful attitude towards each other.
- · Not being contented with what you have (Greed).
- · Unfaithfulness/ Adultery.
- · Unfruitfulness.
- · Lack of respect etc.
Some Basic Characteristics of a woman that will make a man to understand and appreciate his wife.
- · A woman is emotional. Little thing can trigger her emotions or feelings. She needs pampering.
- · A woman is relationship oriented. That's she values relationship more than any other thing.
- · She is physically weak. No wonder the Bible said we should treat as unto the weaker vessel. Don't compare your strength to hers.
- · She often feels depressed. Because she is too emotional she can easily be depressed.
- · She enjoys process, that's everything is just getting on. When you see her demanding a lot, please don't be too angry with her , just counsel her.
- · She focused on present not on past. Since she enjoys process, she always thinks of having a good day. The way you see problems might not be the way she sees it.
- · She knows things by intuition. She does not have time to analyse things before she gets it, rather she ask for it. Please always bear with her.
- · She expresses herself in words a lot. Don't feel bad when you talk one she has talked ten. Her strength lies in her mouth. Please don't look at her mouth but look at her strength.etc
Some Basic Characteristics that will make a woman to understand and appreciate her Husband.
- · A man is work oriented. Don't be offended when he talks about his career more than his love life.
- · A man is always cool and logical. Don't feel bad when he ask you to give him reasons why he should approve your request, you can jokily and lovely get what you want from him.
- · He is physically strong. Don't get intimidated when you see his muscle or strength. They are there to defend you.
- · He does not talk much. He is action oriented.
- · He feels inadequate and insufficient when his needs are not met.
- · He is goal oriented and tries to meet up with his vision. Don't feel bad when you see him talking about his dreams, just know that he is planning for the good of the family.
Achieving success in your marriage does not necessary required all your physical strength. It is not something that is too difficult to achieve. Though we make things difficult for us to achieve. Man naturally prefers doing things in his own way. God will and wish for every marriage is to have a blissful married home. Until we come to appreciate God in having hands in every marriages, our union will still be in darkness. Making your marriage a pyramid of success could be achieved through the following process:
- · Husband and Wife should be very prayerful: A family that prays together stays together. How is your prayer life like? How often do both of you pray and fast? At what priority level do you place prayer? The Bible said "the effectual and fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much" If you are not prayerful in marriage, you can not have a short cut to a successful marriage. God has made it possible for both of you to come together as husband and wife, but it is your both responsibility to make the marriage work. After God created Adam and Eve, he kept them in Garden of Eden-a beautiful garden. But God told them to keep and dress the garden. In other words the responsibility of bringing out the best in the Garden lies on them. Perhaps Adam and Eve were not prayerful that the devil tempted them and they fell to his antics. God has given you your marriage to dress and keep. And the best way to dress and keep it is through prayer. See God as the foundation of your marriage, then everything will fall in place.
- · Develop a Positive Mindset: What kind of mind set do you have towards your marriage? Do you have the conception that you marriage will not work out? Your "thought" is a driving force.. As rightly said "thoughts are things". Thought are very powerful thing that can go a long way affecting your life. What do you always say about your marriage? The Bible said "guide your heart with all diligence from there comes the issues of life" As a man thinketh so he is. Likes attract likes and vice versa. What a man soweth he shall reap. If you speak negative about your marriage that's exactly what you reap. The words you use in your marriage can either build or destroy your marriage. It's all about mind disposition. If you believe you will have a successful marriage, no matter the challenges, your marriage will be successful. Keep saying good of your marriage, don't stop talking it. Many marriages have been pulled down through the words of mouth. Your mouth should be use for blessing not for curse. Don't you know there is power in the tongue? Death and life lies in the power of the tongue. Women in particular should control the words they use on their husbands. A marriage of fifty years can be pull down within a second by word of mouth. Positively correct your each other incase of any misunderstanding.
- · Be a Motivator to each other: Spice up your marriage. Don't be too rigid to each other. Motivating each other could come in different ways; it could be in form of appreciation, encouragement, compliment and so on. Cultivate the habit of using the following words-thank you, you can do better than this, I'm sorry, I love you, you are wonderful, excellent performance, you are the best and so on. If you have the resources (finance), you can take her out for a lunch or dinner. You can sleep outside your home for a day or week. These are the spices that keep a marriage going. Don't be too crude and parochial in your thinking. All these do not really cost anything. Is about you developing it as a habit. Some will say it does not really matter, that what must be must be. If I'm to repeat, it does matter!!! Don't make your home to look like a graveyard-always dull and silent. Your home should be a place of humour, it should be conducive and habitable.
- · Learn to Forgive and Forget: "I can only forgive and not forget" This has been a common word in most families. Though it's very painful and relatively difficult to forgive and forget. The truth is that, to have a successful marriage, you should be ready to forgive and forget. Don't give the devil a chance in your marriage. If you forgive and do not forget, the devil will always work on the "not forgetting" to bring back the problem. Are you not surprise after forgiving your husband, you still feel bitter whenever you remember the issue? Is because you have not forgotten. You can learn it. Look, when Jesus Christ forgives you, he sees you as a brand new person. He never for once remembers your bad attitude. Make peace at all cost. Forgiving is a necessary condition but forgetting is a sufficient condition for a successful marriage.
- · Avoid the Influence of Third Party: The issue of third party has been discussed previously. In your marriage try to resolve your challenges within. Most third party roams about seeking homes to destroy. Be careful. Your pastor can be your close associates in case of any problems.
- · Both should develop a deep love for each other. As the Bible said love covers a multitude of sins. Other former love relationship should be stopped. Except relationships on a neutral ground.
- · Have confidence on each other.
- · Apply wisdom and Understanding in dealing with each other. Ask for wisdom God will give you both.
- · Avoid differences in tribe, culture, complexion, race etc. God has proclaim both of you one. And you most remain one.
- · Be submissive to your husband. Though it might be difficult especially if you are a "no nonsense woman", but the truth is that you have no option than to be submissive. The grace is already there for you to do it.
- · Be contented with what you have. Learn to apply the principles of management in your resources allocation and utilization.
- · Always speak the truth. It might be bitter but you have no choice than to say it. Don't lie to each other.
No marriage is perfect at the beginning, but along the line, it becomes perfect. Some said there is no perfect marriage. My question is, what yardstick or parameter can you use to determine perfection in marriage? Perfection in marriage is base on individuals' perspectives. In all, work collectively in making your marriage a pyramid of success. This book can only be effective if you strictly adhere to the principles. I wish you a HAPPY AND JOYOUS MARRIED LIFE.