Introduction.
Is your marriage in
shamble? Are you thinking of divorce? Are challenges in marriage pushing you
the wall? Is second wife the next option? Do you feel your husband is not the
right man? If you are a victim of any of these questions, this article is for you.
Marriage from Biblical
perspective is a union of celebration and happiness, a place of humor and not
humiliation. Making your marriage a pyramid of success will unravel the
mysteries behind every successful marriage. The only way this article will be
useful to you is to apply all the principles that will be discuss as we
progress. Are you single? This article
will make you develop a positive mindset in taking up marriage resposiblities.Are
you into courtship? This write up will be a pathway to having a successful marriage.
My advice is that you keep to the instructions.
What
is Marriage?
Marriage is an
INSTITUTION establish by GOD that brings a man and woman to have a LEGAL UNION
before some witnesses and before the presence of God. In Gen 2:24, it says
"Therefore shall a man live his father and mother and cleave unto his wife
and both shall be one" We can see that marriage in not a child's affairs.
To have a comprehensive understanding of what marriage is all about, some basic
terms will be explain in details.
Institution.
Institution as defined
by Oxford dictionary is a place of learning. A place designed to impact
positive values to individuals. For instance we have the Formal and Informal
Institutions. Institution from its definition has no "time limit or time
frame". It's an unending process. It starts from birth and ends at death.
It does not offer its curricular activities or programmes on a platter of Gold.
I believe you paid a price to achieve what you are today. I remembered as
child, my parents disciplined me to go to school, then I saw them as being
"wicked and uncaring" but thank God for such "wicked and
uncaring" attitude. Because this molded me to be a better person. No institution
was design to make someone a reproach to his society, but to develop someone
into a responsible and reliable citizen. Institution in its natural sense is a
place of development of the mind.
Marriage as an
institution is a place of learning, a place of exercise of the intellectual and
God-given abilities, a place of training of the mind, body, soul and spirit. In
the institutional sector, the Teacher impacts knowledge, in marriage life
challenges or affairs bring out the best. No experience you acquire in marriage
that is a waste, it only becomes a waste when you do not learn from it. That
your wife called you an irresponsible man means you should be responsible.
Marriage as an institution only requires knowledge, understanding, wisdom, fear
of God and intelligence to solve problems. Marriage as an institution requires
two experts-husband and
wife with out external factor to solve problems,
a third party might be harmful.
God.
From the definition of
marriage, we said it is a legal union before the presence of God and…….The
Irony of this is that most couples have abandon God in their marriage. They
believe they can do with out him. The truth is that you can never do anything
with out God. He is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega, the
first and the last, the omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotent God. There is
nothing hidden before his sight. God is the ultimate source of our success.
Marriage with out God is like a ship with out a rudder or an aircraft with out
a compass and pilot. The marriage vows you took before the presence of the
church was sealed by God. God is the originator of marriage right from the
creation of the world. He did this when
he joined Adam and Eve together. Also the first ever miracle that Jesus Christ performed where he turned water
into wine was in wedding feast in Galilee. This is a clear indication that God
has hand in every marriage.
Since God is the one
that established marriage, how do we get him involved in having a blissful
married life? Get God involved by recognizing and acknowledging him as your
source, get in him involved by your giving-sow seed of faith, then ask for
miracle in your marriage. In crisis seek his face through prayer and praises
not complain. Complaining can only worsen a situation. We knew what happened
when Paul and Silas praised God. Great things happen when we take advantage of
praise. You can never do it alone. God has a purpose of giving Adam a HELPMEET.
Gods' blessings do notaddsorrow but giveth riches. A house that is not built by
God will definitely collapse. Except the Lord builds a city, in vain the
builders build.
Legal
Union.
This means a lawful
(legitimate and acceptable) union between husband and wife. Marriage is not
living apart but a conjugal relationship. A lot is accomplished when two people
pursue a course. The Bible said "if two of you shall agree on a particular
thing, it shall be done to you". The united will stand the divided will fall.
The devil can easily destroy a home when he finds out there is no unity. As a
husband please don't shy away from your responsibilities likewise a woman. With
God ALL things are possible, recognize your wife's contributions and see her as
unto the weaker vessel not the weaker vessel-1 Peter 3:7. Shifting you
responsibilities on her might make her to act negatively. Take advantage of
your oneness. The Biblical synergy is 1 + 1= 1, this is the only mathematical
law that no mathematician can proof using any mathematical theories. Though
some might not see it as synergy but to me it is a synergy that negates the
laws of other synergies. In the Biblical context, when two different people
come together there is an added value. Let nothing separate you from your wife
or husband. The Bible says "what God has joined together let no man put
asunder"
Why
most Marriages Fail?
In every ten marriages
conducted, eight of the marriages ends in divorce.Our registry courts are
receiving thousands of application filing for divorce. Several homes have been
torn apart because of failed
marriages. Children have been left to roam about the street
seeking for shelter, food, clothing. Government in their own capacity could not
do anything. Churches through the Gospel are proffering solution which solely
depends on the couples to accept. The rates of single parents are at increase.
One of the CNN reports said a couple married and seeks for divorce after 24
hours of their marriage. That's very
incredible. Gay marriages are at increase-marriage of the same sex. Husband and
wife could no longer hold there peace and things have fallen apart. What is the
cause(s) of this collapse in most marriages? The facts below throw more light
on why majority of the marriages fail.
Bad
Foundation.
The Bible rightly put
it "A house that is built on a sandy soil will collapse"
Who is the foundation
of your marriage? Where is your marriage built upon? Who do you look unto in
your marriage? The foundation of your marriage matters a lot. Ask me what has
been sustaining my marriage, I will tell you is God. God is the foundation of
my marriage. I look unto him whether in need or with out need. I commit my
marriage in his hands everyday. I trust everything I have on him. God does not
fail those that trusted him. One thing I have learnt and realized in this life
is that, MAN can easily fail you. Most marriages depend on MAN to solve there
problems. Man in its natural sense is a problem to himself. No wonder the Bible
said "the heart of men are desperately wicked and evil" Man is a
corruptible seed. MAN from the creation has failed himself and failed God.
Thank God that he is faithful even when we are unfaithful. Let the foundation
of your marriage be rooted in God. Trust him for everything. The only formula
that has ever worked in marriage is trusting in God formula. God purpose of
marriage is for a peaceful co existence and procreation. Empty your marriage to
him and he will fill it.
Lack
of Wisdom and Understanding.
Understanding in this
parlance means ability to know one another lifestyles, his "dos and
dons". Understanding is a critical issue in marriage. Husband and wife
should learn to study and understand one another. The period of your courtship
should be a period of studying each other personality not a period of
flippancy. I took advantage of my courtship and with God on my side, my
marriage is a blessing. It does not take you to be educated to understand one
another. If you are educated and your husband is an illiterate, don't
intimidate him or take advantage of his illiteracy, but talk and reason with him in the language he will
understand and vice versa.
Marriage needs wisdom
and understanding, and it's the responsibilities of both. If you have
misunderstanding with your wife, simply apply wisdom and understanding to
resolve it. The Bible says "wisdom is the principal thing, get wisdom in
all thy getting, get understanding" Couples that have understanding can
easily triumph over any challenges or problems. Stop dreaming of your marriage
being like mine or Mr B's, work on your marriage. You can bring the best out of
your marriage. All things are possible to him that believe
Lack
of Trust.
Marriage can easily end
in divorce if both couples lack trust. Though man is not God that you can
absolutely trust, but since your union is of God there should be a trust
between the two of you. Don't always see your wife or husband as a suspect.
Look! Be free with each other, be open to each other. Secrecy in marriage can disrupt
and destroy a marriage. One good thing about my wife and I is that we don't
have a secret. Although some couples might not find it funny especially when it
comes to finance. My wife knows my financial position and this has really help
our marriage. The Bible says "and both of you shall be one". Being
one is not in the area of procreation but in all aspect of life. When both of
you begin to be secretive, it leads to lack of trust which then leads to
suspicion and finally matrimonial conflict.
Lack
of Love.
The perspective you see
or define love will go along way affecting
your marriage. Love as I know is sacrifice (John
3:16), its also giving the best you have irrespective of how valuable it is to
you. Love is on the giving side than on
the receiving side. Love does not dwell on the past but dwells on the present
and think about the future. It does not count on wrong doing but covers
multitude of sins. Love is not really on physical things but on the internal or
inside. For details about love, you can read 1 Corinthians 13.
The question is do you
really love your husband or wife? Do you marry him because of his financial
status? What attracts you to him or her-the body build, his dressing pattern,
the way he talks, his eye, his nose? What happen if those qualities are no
longer present in him? Love reveals your inner worth. Why most marriages fail
is, most couples pursue shadows to realities. Never you love a man because of
his financial or material worth, but love him because of what he is and what
he's going to be and the fear of God in him. Wealth is good in marriage but
should not be the primary thing to consider. But it's quite unfortunate that
our young ladies pursue wealth in place of happiness.
Wealth can not give you
happiness; it's only a tool to happiness but not a source of happiness. If your
husband is poor, but focus, God fearing and resourceful and you really love
him, with out hesitation you can go ahead and marry him believing that your
source is not from man but from God. My wife met me at my zero point but today
we are happily married. God is love. David said ‘since he was young and now he
is old, he has never seen the righteous forsaken or his seed beg bread".
Wife should genuinely love her husband likewise the husband and believe God for
sustenance. That does not mean you should be lazy. Proverb said "little
slumber, little folding of hands, poverty creeps in" A man needs to be up
and doing. A man should be able to provide for his family. Your wife is a
help-meet don't live your responsibilities on her. Most men have become so
impotent in taking up their responsibilities and thereby making the wife a
bread winner of the house. No woman feels happy being the bread winner of the family;
it will only take the grace of God for any woman to respect her husband when
the family responsibilities are on her. Husbands should learn to be HUSBANDS!!.
Third
Party Interference.
This is a silent
"killer" in most marriages. The extent you allow third party in your
matrimonial home will determine the extent your marriage will go. Learn to
settle any dispute you have within yourselves. Challenges come to strengthen
your marriage not to invite a third party. Ninety Nine percent of third parties
are home destroyer. If you want to ease off your self incase of any tension or
dispute, your pastor should be in a better position to handle it or a marriage
counsellor. Don't expose your marriage to third party. How sure are you that
the person you are inviting does not have problems in his home? Marriage is an
institution of learning. It is an unending learning process. Who told you that
you will not have challenges in your marriage? Remember marriage is the union
of two different personalities from different backgrounds. This is the reason
why you should tolerate each other. One basic fact you should know is that
there are those outside that don't want your marriage to succeed. These are the
people the bible called "wolves in sheep clothing". Outwardly these
people smile and rejoice with you, inwardly they are deadly vampires. We know
that problem shared is half solved, but be wise to know who you share problems
with. If you have challenges in your marriage, seek the counsel of God.
Remember the words of Joshua to the Israelites "this book of law shall not
depart from thy mouth, meditate on it day and night and thy WAYS will be
prosperous and successful" Most couples don't have Bible in their home.
What is your manual of life? If you have the word of God with you, third party
will not be an option in face of challenges.
Avoid
Past Life Experience.
The Bible says "if
any man be in Christ, he is a new creature, old things have passed away and all
things have become new"-2Corinthians 5:17. Look, the life you lived before
you got married should not count in your matrimonial home. Most couples are
found of comparing their wife or husband to their former "lover".
There are things that suppose not to be mention in your home. If you think that
your former "lover" is better of than your wife, I think you have
made a mistake by marrying her and vice versa. Your coming together as a
husband and wife means a new life has began.Invariably "old things"
has passed away. Don't even keep it in your archives, but permanently delete
it. How do you feel if your wife should tell you that her former
"lover" is more romantic and caring than you? I believe you really
feel bad. When you bring in past life experiences into your home, be sure your
marriage is heading to the rock.
Some
other factors that can lead to problems in most marriages are as follows:
- · Unforgiving spirit by both couples.
- · Being material conscious.
- · Ungrateful attitude towards each other.
- · Not being contented with what you have (Greed).
- · Unfaithfulness/ Adultery.
- · Unfruitfulness.
- · Lack of respect etc.
Some
Basic Characteristics of a woman that will make a man to understand and
appreciate his wife.
- · A woman is emotional. Little thing can trigger her emotions or feelings. She needs pampering.
- · A woman is relationship oriented. That's she values relationship more than any other thing.
- · She is physically weak. No wonder the Bible said we should treat as unto the weaker vessel. Don't compare your strength to hers.
- · She often feels depressed. Because she is too emotional she can easily be depressed.
- · She enjoys process, that's everything is just getting on. When you see her demanding a lot, please don't be too angry with her , just counsel her.
- · She focused on present not on past. Since she enjoys process, she always thinks of having a good day. The way you see problems might not be the way she sees it.
- · She knows things by intuition. She does not have time to analyse things before she gets it, rather she ask for it. Please always bear with her.
- · She expresses herself in words a lot. Don't feel bad when you talk one she has talked ten. Her strength lies in her mouth. Please don't look at her mouth but look at her strength.etc
Some
Basic Characteristics that will make a woman to understand and appreciate her
Husband.
- · A man is work oriented. Don't be offended when he talks about his career more than his love life.
- · A man is always cool and logical. Don't feel bad when he ask you to give him reasons why he should approve your request, you can jokily and lovely get what you want from him.
- · He is physically strong. Don't get intimidated when you see his muscle or strength. They are there to defend you.
- · He does not talk much. He is action oriented.
- · He feels inadequate and insufficient when his needs are not met.
- · He is goal oriented and tries to meet up with his vision. Don't feel bad when you see him talking about his dreams, just know that he is planning for the good of the family.
Achieving success in
your marriage does not necessary required all your physical strength. It is not
something that is too difficult to achieve. Though we make things difficult for
us to achieve. Man naturally prefers doing things in his own way. God will and
wish for every marriage is to have a blissful married home. Until we come to
appreciate God in having hands in every marriages, our union will still be in
darkness. Making your marriage a pyramid of success could be achieved through
the following process:
- · Husband and Wife should be very prayerful: A family that prays together stays together. How is your prayer life like? How often do both of you pray and fast? At what priority level do you place prayer? The Bible said "the effectual and fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much" If you are not prayerful in marriage, you can not have a short cut to a successful marriage. God has made it possible for both of you to come together as husband and wife, but it is your both responsibility to make the marriage work. After God created Adam and Eve, he kept them in Garden of Eden-a beautiful garden. But God told them to keep and dress the garden. In other words the responsibility of bringing out the best in the Garden lies on them. Perhaps Adam and Eve were not prayerful that the devil tempted them and they fell to his antics. God has given you your marriage to dress and keep. And the best way to dress and keep it is through prayer. See God as the foundation of your marriage, then everything will fall in place.
- · Develop a Positive Mindset: What kind of mind set do you have towards your marriage? Do you have the conception that you marriage will not work out? Your "thought" is a driving force.. As rightly said "thoughts are things". Thought are very powerful thing that can go a long way affecting your life. What do you always say about your marriage? The Bible said "guide your heart with all diligence from there comes the issues of life" As a man thinketh so he is. Likes attract likes and vice versa. What a man soweth he shall reap. If you speak negative about your marriage that's exactly what you reap. The words you use in your marriage can either build or destroy your marriage. It's all about mind disposition. If you believe you will have a successful marriage, no matter the challenges, your marriage will be successful. Keep saying good of your marriage, don't stop talking it. Many marriages have been pulled down through the words of mouth. Your mouth should be use for blessing not for curse. Don't you know there is power in the tongue? Death and life lies in the power of the tongue. Women in particular should control the words they use on their husbands. A marriage of fifty years can be pull down within a second by word of mouth. Positively correct your each other incase of any misunderstanding.
- · Be a Motivator to each other: Spice up your marriage. Don't be too rigid to each other. Motivating each other could come in different ways; it could be in form of appreciation, encouragement, compliment and so on. Cultivate the habit of using the following words-thank you, you can do better than this, I'm sorry, I love you, you are wonderful, excellent performance, you are the best and so on. If you have the resources (finance), you can take her out for a lunch or dinner. You can sleep outside your home for a day or week. These are the spices that keep a marriage going. Don't be too crude and parochial in your thinking. All these do not really cost anything. Is about you developing it as a habit. Some will say it does not really matter, that what must be must be. If I'm to repeat, it does matter!!! Don't make your home to look like a graveyard-always dull and silent. Your home should be a place of humour, it should be conducive and habitable.
- · Learn to Forgive and Forget: "I can only forgive and not forget" This has been a common word in most families. Though it's very painful and relatively difficult to forgive and forget. The truth is that, to have a successful marriage, you should be ready to forgive and forget. Don't give the devil a chance in your marriage. If you forgive and do not forget, the devil will always work on the "not forgetting" to bring back the problem. Are you not surprise after forgiving your husband, you still feel bitter whenever you remember the issue? Is because you have not forgotten. You can learn it. Look, when Jesus Christ forgives you, he sees you as a brand new person. He never for once remembers your bad attitude. Make peace at all cost. Forgiving is a necessary condition but forgetting is a sufficient condition for a successful marriage.
- · Avoid the Influence of Third Party: The issue of third party has been discussed previously. In your marriage try to resolve your challenges within. Most third party roams about seeking homes to destroy. Be careful. Your pastor can be your close associates in case of any problems.
- · Both should develop a deep love for each other. As the Bible said love covers a multitude of sins. Other former love relationship should be stopped. Except relationships on a neutral ground.
- · Have confidence on each other.
- · Apply wisdom and Understanding in dealing with each other. Ask for wisdom God will give you both.
- · Avoid differences in tribe, culture, complexion, race etc. God has proclaim both of you one. And you most remain one.
- · Be submissive to your husband. Though it might be difficult especially if you are a "no nonsense woman", but the truth is that you have no option than to be submissive. The grace is already there for you to do it.
- · Be contented with what you have. Learn to apply the principles of management in your resources allocation and utilization.
- · Always speak the truth. It might be bitter but you have no choice than to say it. Don't lie to each other.
Conclusion
No marriage is perfect
at the beginning, but along the line, it becomes perfect. Some said there is no
perfect marriage. My question is, what yardstick or parameter can you use to
determine perfection in marriage? Perfection in marriage is base on
individuals' perspectives. In all, work collectively in making your marriage a
pyramid of success. This book can only be effective if you strictly adhere to
the principles. I wish you a HAPPY
AND JOYOUS MARRIED LIFE.
